MENTAL
HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello and
thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the
following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent,
please ask someone
to press 2 for you. 

If you
have multiple
personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and
6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you
are and what you want,  

stay on the line so
we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
 

your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
 

and a little voice
will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
 

It doesn't matter
which number you press,  

nothing will make
you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.


If you are bipolar, please leave a
message after the beep  

or before the beep
or after the beep.  

But Please wait for
the beep.

If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.
 

If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.  

If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low
self-esteem, please hang up.
 

Our operators are
too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
 

hang up, turn on the
fan, lie down and cry.  

You won't be crazy
forever.

If you are
blonde, don't press any
buttons.  

You'll just mess it
up.

This coming week is  

National
Mental Health Care week.
 

You can do your part
by remembering  

to contact at least
 

one unstable person
to show you care.

(Well, my job is
done . Your turn!!)